Chapter Three - Not the Mid-life Crisis

Chapter Three - Not the Mid-Life Crisis

Though the male mid-life crisis may precede or even overlap the male menopause or andropause, they are essentially separate and distinct conditions. In popular writing however they are still usually lumped together which causes endless confusion and prevents proper consideration and understanding of either.

The word crisis, coming from the Greek krisis meaning decision, suggests a time of change, transition and opportunity. It also has the meaning of a turning-point or cross-roads, when you decide that you are on the wrong road and need to change direction in one or more parts of your life, or that you are generally on the right road and just need to keep going. Its like half time in a football match, where the manager tells the team to change their tactics if they want to win, or that they are playing just right and should keep up the good work, you hopefully being the manager of your life though other people may compete for the job.

Many people decide that they either have no need or no opportunity to make dramatic changes at mid-life, and so the crisis may go unnoticed either by themselves or by other people. Others have agonising decisions to make, which may take them to the brink of emotional, physicla or financial disaster or push them over the edge. Some make profoundly beneficial changes which ensure the second halves of their lives are much happier, more creative and more satisfying then the first. The choice is one of breaking down and / or breaking through, and we will be looking at what factors predispose to a severe crisis and how some famous people have come though it for better or worse.

What's your mental picture of the male mid-life crisis? Its often seen as a bit of a joke, a topic for party small-talk and gossipy columnists. Its middle-aged men taking leave of their senses, their wives, their jobs, everything that they had worked for up to that point in their lives, and running off in search of new lives and loves.

There is even a party game simply called MID-LIFE CRISIS made by a firm in the USA, The Games Works inc., which is really very amusing and informative on the subject. The stated objective of this board-game for "2-6 adult players in their prime" is "To get through your middle years with more money, less stress and fewer divorce points than your opponents or to declare a MID-LIFE CRISIS, in which case you must go broke, get divorced and crack up before anyone else reaches the end of the game". If you are male and in the danger zone of 35-45, or have come through this and want to look back in amusement, I recommend it to you.

One of the best and most readable of the many articles and books written on this subject was by a Dr. M. W. Lear who in 1973 neatly summarised the dilemma of the archetypal middle-aged male. "The hormone production levels are dropping, the head is balding, the sexual vigour is diminishing, the stress is unending, the children are leaving, the parents are dying, the job horizons are narrowing, the friends are having their first heart attack; the past floats by in a fog of hopes not realised opportunities not grasped, women not bedded, potentials not fulfilled, and the future is a confrontation with ones own mortality".

This last point, about looking at the hour-glass of life and seeing that so much of the limited sand of this life-time has run through, has been recently taken up by several novelists, in particular Martin Amis in his book "The Information". This examines the tortuous competitive interaction, it can hardly be called friendship, between two middle-aged writers. Like Amis the younger, they are just turning forty, with extreme misgivings and "comprehensive anxiety".

They are both living lies, one successfully, the other not. One has an unexpected best selling novel on his hands and is surfing high on a wave of success, with all the attendant froth of money, public adoration, a titled lady as his wife, and is looking and feeling good for his age. The other is floundering in the foam, feeling and looking a total wash-out mentally, physically, socially and financially. He has been working on a novel called Untitled for several years, which is still unpublished. "stacked against him in the future, he knew, were yet further novels, successively entitled Unfinished, Unwritten, Unattempted and, eventually, Unconceived".

What makes it worse is that in spite all his thwarted attempts to get his book published, and the totally disastrous and humiliating response when he eventually does, he has a lingering belief in his ability as an author, where as he is sure the other "can't write for toffee". It seems that getting your book published is the nearest thing to childbirth that a man can achieve, and he is as jealous as a woman who has had several stillbirths might be of a neighbouring mother whose child has just won a top modelling agency contract, and whose picture is in every paper and on every screen.

This exploration of the seeming unfairness of life, wrestling with the issues of male creativity and the resulting problem of treating those two great impostors, as Rudyard Kipling called them in his poem "If", success and failure, just the same. It can be seen as the authors own efforts to resolve the conflicts in his life, work and marriage, through the rivalry of his two characters in his novel. The message comes through that "The Information" is the depressing news that our expanding view of the universe has revealed just great vistas of nothingness and cosmic and individual dissolution, or what might be termed "Amislessness".

Unhappily, though it succeeds in painting in vivid colours some of the "sad dreams" of men in mid-life, which causes them to wake crying in the night and to seek the solace of sex, alcohol, tranquillisers, and homicidal or suicidal behaviour to relieve what in Amis's words is a "terrible state, that of consciousness", it fails to resolve them.

Let's take a serious look at the causes of what I believe is a genuine and sometimes profound emotional crisis in a man's life, and how it differs from the male menopause or andropause.

Many of the patients with the classic picture of the male menopause give an equally characteristic story of a series of events precipitating a mid-life crisis some five to ten years earlier. It is important to differentiate between the two conditions because the confusion between the two means that they are often bracketed together and laughed off as a temporary emotional crisis without any physical cause. They are then considered to be just an excuse for a man to behave badly toward the women in their lives, and avoid their social or family responsibilities. This failure to differentiate what are two distinct and separate conditions blurs the issues terribly and provides grounds for attacking the concept of the male menopause.

What makes a man prone to mid-life crisis? Well, anything that de-stabilises him from childhood onwards. This can include being born with a sensitive or artistic nature, distant or unloving parents, loss of one parent, particularly the father at an early age, loss or separation from a loved one or role model, and repeated failure or paradoxically repeated success in his career. As Oscar Wilde said "In this life there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." We can see the same pattern emerge in the lives of many famous people, and may come to recognise it in our family, our friends or even ourselves.

Many, if not most mid-life crises go unnoticed, and are passed off as a change of job, a change of house or a change of spouse. Only occasionally does the crisis turn into a drama.

Typically the age group most prone to the male mid-life crisis is around forty, mainly between thirty-five and forty-five. This is earlier than, but may occassionally over-lap, the andropause which usually starts around the age of fifty, say forty-five to fifty-five, though it can sometimes be earlier or later.

While the male menopause is mainly a hormonal condition due to insufficient testosterone activity, as described earlier, it can also have profound emotional effects. The male mid-life crisis is essentially emotional in origin but if severe enough or long enough may have physical consequences, especially if alcohol or drugs are used to blunt the pain of this crisis.

Mid-life can trigger an existential crisis in which the man may feel he is stuck in a career which either under-extends or over- extends him so that he is faced with rust-out or burn-out. He may also be in a dead-end job or in a marriage that has gone stale and having to choose between staying in that relationship or the traumas of divorce, particularly the pain of separation from his children, and often having to start over again financially. These perils of the "roaring forties of his life may lead on to the 3-D syndrome of depression, drink and divorce which as we shall see can set the scene for the male menopause to follow.

Often this crisis is seen in show business celebrities whose careers have taken off , or unstable relationships have broken down. These events bring with them large scale publicity which can lead in all but the most experienced, to what has recently been described by the British journalist A A Gill as "over-exposure on the media mountain". Blinded by flashbulbs, exhausted by interviews which deplete them of their vital stores of essential nutrients such as sensible things to say, and constantly breathing the oxygen of publicity which has a narcotic effect on the brain, they succumb to "Media Mountain Madness". In the terminal stages of this, fortunately usually only seen high up on the Hallucinatory Hills of Hollywood, but with an increasing number of cases now appearing around New York, they stumble around pursued by packs of ravening reporters, until they fall into bottomless chasms of obscurity or are buried under an avalanche of hype.

Even at lower levels of exposure to publicity, life in the "Gold-fish bowl" distorts not only the view of the people looking in, but of the fish looking out. This can warp their self-image to the point where they either come to believe their own publicity, or knowing that it is out of touch with the reality of how they see themselves, they despair of ever living up to this magnified artificial image of themselves. This can drive them either to mania or depression, or both in turn, and cause totally erratic and unpredictable behaviour.

Its at this stage that the "3-D Syndrome" of drink, drugs and divorce can set in as the celebrity frantically tries to reconcile what he feels he is or should be, with his publicity image. As with the English entertainer Michael Barrymore, this can bring them to the brink of personal disaster, from which only a fortunate few return. With this rapidly changing kaleidoscopic view of themselves, and the self-injury that this can cause, some never recover. Like the British comedian Tony Hancock they may commit suicide, or like Peter Sellors drive themselves to heart attacks, which are often due to the inner enemies of anger and despair.

Differences Between the Mid-life Crisis and Male Menopause

Time and again in newspaper articles and television programmes, and even medical debates, these two conditions are written and talked about as though they were one and the same. They are not, and this confusion prevents either condition from being recognised or treated. Let's run through a check-list to spell out the differences:

Age - The Mid-life Crisis usually is confined to the ages of 35 to 45, while the Male Menopause is characteristicaly 45 to 55, as with the female menopause. However, if there was previous damage to the testes, such as from mumps, alcohol or vasectomy, the Male Menopause may happen earlier.

Childhood - A disturbed, unsupportive childhood, starved of love and affection, especially if accompanied by physical or mental abuse, is much more common in the background of someone experiencing the Mid-life Crisis.

Triggers - The death or serious illness of a parent or close friend is a common trigger of the Mid-life Crisis, as such events bring you face to face with your own mortality. They make you feel that you are next in the firing-line, which brings up thoughts and feelings about the meaning of your life, and your past, present and future goals and acheivements.

Paradoxically this crisis can come after a period of success even more often than after a dismal failure. It may even come when you find the love of your life, either in a person or an occupation, but feel it is too late or an impossible dream. As the word suggests, it is decision time, but you agonise over the choices. You consider changing your job, your partner or your whole way of life. By contrast, the Menopause comes after redundency, after heavy financial losses, after the business has failed, after divorce, rather than during the period leading up to them.

Relationships - The Crisis is by its nature often very much about personal and business relationships. Questions about whether you want to go living with that person, or working with another, or in that organisation, are often uppermost in your mind. You think about them again and again, and you even may dream about them again and again at night.

During the Menopause, you are more likely to feel too weary to want to make any changes, and too tired to even dream about doing so. Because of this lethargy, your marriage and business relationships may be falling to pieces around you, but you feel powerless to do anything about it.

Sex-drive - This is most often increased during the Crisis, either as a form of escapism, or as a conscious or subconscious way of bringing matters to a head. Sometimes however when a man is depressed by these events, as with other forms of depression, the libido may decrease. With the Menopause the libido is almost always decreased, though occasionally there may be an affair to try to revive waining sexual powers.

Potency - As with most things there are few absolute rules about this, but apart from obvious physical causes such as diabetes, or the side effects of medicines such as those used to lower blood pressure or treat depression, or where triggered by severe psycho-sexual problems, only during the Menopause is potency consistently decreased over several months or years.

Physical Symptoms - Fatigue, aches, pains and stiffness in the joints, nights sweats and other physical symptoms which are typical of the Menopause are usually absent in the Crisis.

Hormone Patterns - These are nearly always normal during the Crisis, unless there is deep depression or heavy drinking. Though total testosterone is often normal during the Menopause, the free, biologically active testosterone is typically decreased, as described in the next chapter. There are also often other more subtle markers of this condition to confirm the diagnosis which can be found by careful and extensive hormone profiles of the blood.

Responses to treatment - The treatment of the Crisis is mainly by councelling and support to help the person resolve the issues which are troubling them. Tranquillisers or antidepressants can occassionally be effective for short term treatment if anxiety or depression are overwhelming. However they can be addictive, and actually delay solving the problems which life has thrown up.

Testosterone will not help the person experiencing the Crisis, but as described in Chapter Six, is likely to cause dramatic benefit to those suffering the miseries of the Menopause.

MID-LIFE CRISIS CHECK LIST

1. Age | 30's | 40's | 50's | 60's |

2. Death of Parent Within | 1Yr | 2 Yr | 3Yr | 4Yr |

3. Death of Close Friend Within | 1Yr | 2 Yr | 3Yr | 4Yr |

4. Change or Loss of Job Within | 1Yr | 2 Yr | 3Yr | 4Yr |

5. Change or Loss of Partner Within | 1Yr | 2 Yr | 3Yr | 4Yr |

Multiply ticks in each column by: | 3 | 2 | 1 | 0 l

TOTAL MID-LIFE CRISIS SCORE | |

MID-LIFE CRISIS RATING: 0-9 UNLIKELY, 10-19 POSSIBLE, 20-29 PROBABLE,

30-39 DEFINITE, 40+ ADVANCED.

The Game of Mid-Life Crisis Survival

There is a James Bond storey called You Only Live Twice. For some men some men its as though they have an opportunity to begin a second new life at forty, which gives a new meaning to the saying "Life begins at forty" For many who are on a plateau, or steadily on the way up, this may just be a natural continuation of the old life and they don't experience it as a crisis.

For others there is a period of great unrest and inner turbulence, the "Dark night of the Soul", but they come through and either decide to climb on up to fresh peaks or settle for comfortable life in the valley. A few unfortunately fall down one of the slippery slopes of addiction to alcohol, drugs, sexual over-activity, or risk taking behaviour to ease what has become a very painful transition period in their lives, and may or may not survive the experience. Others get lost and spend the rest of their lives wandering aimlessly or fall prey to the black bear of depression. Sometimes they find themselves and make successful changes in their lives, or sometimes the climate of opinion or fashion changes in their favour and they get a helicopter ride up the mountain.

Surviving the Mid-Life Crisis.

There is a great deal to learn from all these stories about how to come through your own mid-life crisis if you are having one, or how to help other people through theirs. If you can see clearly how you yourself or others got lost on the mountain you may be able to help guide them safely down, or you may decide to call in a professional mid-life mountain rescue team.

Make a map

For the person who decides that they have reached mid-life, or those trying to help them, it helps to make a map. Where are you, and where, if anywhere, do you want to get to? Some people are destined to climb mountains and achieve one peak of achievement or creativity, often in their twenties or thirties, and then plateau off at mid-life, or go down-hill. Others achieve a second, perhaps even higher peak later in life having successfully dealt with their mid-life crisis, using the experience, knowledge and wisdom built up in the first half of their lives. This can happen in all walks of life, but particularly with writers, who breath in experience and breath out prose, with applied scientists, and sometimes with business-men who may have hit the financial rocks in mid-life, but learn important lessons, and go on to rebuild their empires.

Decisions again: What realistically are your goals and how worthwhile are they to you? How high do you want to climb? How much effort are you willing to put in and what risks are you willing to take? Are you content with what you have achieved and got out of life so far? As the financier Bernie Cornfeld who created the huge financial bubble of Investors in Overseas Securities, IOS, or as it could have been more accurately called, IOU, put it "Do you sincerely want to be rich?", or do you have other priorities?.

Resources for the Journey

Having decided where you want to go, or at least in which direction you feel your future lies you need to make a full and fearless inventory of your resources in terms of health, finances and as near as you can assess them, your abilities. Don't forget to include the emotional support of your family and friends among your assets, as they can be crucial, especially if you are making radical changes to your life.

Also make a list of your weaknesses and the emotional baggage you are carrying. How much of it is necessary, and how much can you drop as being "Not needed on the journey"? How much "unfinished business" do you have with a difficult childhood or family relationships? Could you finish it, if necessary with the help of a psychotherapist or analyst? What are your addictions, if any - alcohol - drugs - work - chocolate - food - sex? Think about where can you get help with these, because they can cripple you on the next part of your journey or even stop you ever getting started. What's your Achilles heel and how can you guard it?

In the final analysis you have to decide what you can change in yourself, as it has to be accepted that you can't change the World or others. If you decide you do wish, and are able, to make changes, probably the best idea is to follow the business tradition of making a five year plan to aid you in your journey, and decide what you would like to have achieved by then. "Realistic, but optimistic" is probably the best motto, but think carefully whether you will be able to live at peace with yourself and those around you if realise your new ambition or continue with your old one.

If you think you can cope with, or have coped with the hazards of the mid-life crisis, you may well be interested in lessening your chances of experiencing the andropause. The next chapter tells you how it happens, and how your response to the mid-life crisis may have either set you up for it, or protected you from ever getting it.